Planetcaveman's Blog

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Oh shit…NOT FAULK!

– Yes, the unthinkable has happened, Kevin Faulk is out for the season with a knee injury, and it absolutely sucks.  Even though Faulk was never invited to a Pro-Bowl the impact he’s has on the Patriots is profound: he’s the player who has constantly pulled an impossible first down out of his ass time and time again.  Faulk is also one of the few remaining Patriots with Superbowl rings (3) and absolutely epitomized the idea of a ‘team player’ with his quote “If cleaning the bathroom floors will help the team win, hand me a mop”. 

Not only is Faulk such a skilled player but he’s also incredibly versatile, playing Running back but he’s also lined up as a Wide Receiver, Tight End, Kick Returner, and he’s even taken direct snaps as QB and thrown a completed pass to Tom Brady. 

While most people usually think of “Tom Brady” as being the backbone of the Patriots unfortunately it’s no longer true, he’s no longer the skinny kid from Michigan who drove a beat-up pickup truck, now his world consists of  $10k Movado watches, swimsuit models, hobnobbing at the Kentucky Derby with various celebrities.  If you’ll recall during the playoff game last season when the Ravens mopped the floor with the Patriots it was not Tom Brady firing up the team and leading them, it was Faulk. 

I hope your surgery and time off go well, thanks for everything you’ve done. 


– This brings me to my next issue, with Faulk down our Running Back situation becomes even more precarious.  We have a relatively old and thin running corp., with 2 backs over 30 and the undrafted Ben Jarvus Green Ellis (Law Firm) who seems ok but he doesn’t exactly blow my skirt up, and we traded Maroney (which I am still completely in favor of, I HATED HIM and am still thrilled that he’s gone)  Ok, so were thin there, why not sign Derrick Ward when he was released from the Tampa Bay Bucs?

Apparently he didn’t jive with the coach there and he came to training camp out of shape, this kind of thing will be more and more common when players get big money guarantees in their contracts, no problem, you just give him a deal with little guaranteed money but with good incentives if he performs well, and constantly throw in his face the fact that he was cut from a shitty team. 

The guy is a young (by Patriot standards) runner and he’s very good running out of the shotgun, which we use a LOT in our offense (not that I agree with this though).  This was not to be, the Texans signed him soon after he was cut and that window of opportunity closed.  Seriously, why not sign him?  Let him come to training camp and at least compete for a job, if he sucks you can cut him at virtually no cost and it boosts the confidence of the guys you keep, and if you keep him then by default it’s an upgrade over what you had before. 

I also wanted to pick up Jason Taylor, who has routinely OWNED Matt Light throughout his career and subsequently terrorized Tom Brady.  I mean, even if he’s lost a step or two you still get a damn good player who provides veteran leadership and he’s also not on the opposing side.  His strip of Brady in this past Sunday’s loss to the Jet’s basically sealed the game, we couldn’t come back after that. 

"Well Jet's Fan, I'm only here because Miami or New England wouln't take me, but go fuck yourself anyway"

Ok, more lost opportunities, there was Brian Westbrook, who was in Free Agency for a long time before the 49ers signed him.  An aging vet like him can be signed for cheap and also cut if he doesn’t perform like the other guys.  Good reward potential with very little risk, and like Taylor he adds veteran maturity and leadership to a locker room.   

That's right bitch, you eat that fart!

It’s pretty damn disappointing to see your team fall apart right in front of your eyes, especially when they have the potential to skyrocket.  We threw away an absolute golden opportunity to destroy the Jets this season, after Sanchez opened his mouth about going 15-1 the New York media would have been over him like Rex Ryan over a Mongolian buffet table, and he would have cracked from the pressure.  Sexy Rexy’s chair would also begin to get a bit warm.  All we had to do was beat the damn Jets, but instead the coaching and playing was so horrible that we let mark Sanchez play like Tom Brady and Tom Brady played like Sanchez. 


While I’m not going to bash Brady at length today, I’ve done that in the past and I’ll probably do it soon enough (unfortunately) I would like to clarify at least one reason why I dispise them: their uniforms are just aweful, they remind me of the fucking Spearmint gum wrapper. 

I used to be a Jets player in a past life.

I wanna kiss you, I couldn't care less if you're just a phone, I wanna kiss you

So is it me or does one actually have to put in effort to make a uniform look so bland and stupid?  Also, what on that uniform has ANYTHING to do with an actual Jet?  They just have the “NY” inside a football shaped oval as their logo, what’s the deal with that?  Take a look at this logo, would the Jets be way cooler with this as their logo?

Credit to design goes to Frasier Davidson -

That would look MUCH cooler on the side of their helmets than what they have now.  One very important thing about that logo is that it incorporates a 3rd color, black.  All good uniforms (and flags) have 3 main colors, you just need that 3rd to provide balance and movement, otherwise the 2 just become booring and there’s no movement (hey, that’s true of political parties as well).  There have also been plenty of psychological studies black clothing’s effect on the wearer, they tend to act more violently, this is why SWAT teams use it extensively.  So, they need to throw in a little black (is it too early to make Gary Coleman jokes?) around the edges. 

Take this Jets uniform from the 80’s, this is WAY better than what they have right now, just add black and the above logo and you have a winner. 

Oh, and another reason why the Jets suck, their mascot: a bald idiot screaming at the top of his lungs with a fireman’s hat, what the FUCK does that have to do with a Jet?  Take a look at the New England Patriots, the macots are essentially Revolutionary War MinuteMen.  See the connection?  New England, where the revolution began, and we have “patriots” who were soldiers in that war. 

I guess that’s too logical for New York, they’d rather have this…makes me want to run out and become a Jets fan right now. 

"I'm not just the President of Jets nation, I'm also a client...of gay male prostitutes"

Oh, and 1 more reason why I hate the Jets: their fans are jerkoffs (exception being JT Thomas, I miss ya buddy)

I mean, seriously, what more needs to be said?


September 23, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Salvation…at last

Thank God, or the Great Pumpkin if that’s your thing (Marko), FALL IS HERE!  Not only does it mean a better night’s sleep but it means football season as well. 

I was officially welcomed by Fall this past Monday when I went to Union Street Grill in Newton Center to watch the Jets/Ravens game, I sat down to some Honey Hot wings (awesome) and the waitress told me of the different beers they have, the most welcome was Sam Adams Oktoberfest!  I went for the 23oz size and the icing on the cake was when she asked me if I wanted the rim dipped in brown sugar and cinnamon, oh blessed drink.

Seriously, if this and a stacked BLT doesn't make you want to renounce Islam then you're probably fucked in the head.

– Anyway, the Honey Hot wings have a magical blend of heat and sweet and are only 25 cents/wing, but be warned that they don’t allow you to take home what you don’t finish.  – On to the Jets/Ravens game, of course I was rooting for the Ravens because 1) I HATE the fucking Jets, 2) I like Joe Flacco and think he can develop into a fine QB but he needs some work, 3) I HATE the fucking Jets, and finally 4) I LOVE watching the Jets fail. 


Now, I have to be fair and I do admit that the Jets Defense is for real and will definitely be an issue for anyone that plays them, they do a great job of harassing the QB, and while that could definitely be an issue for the mobily challenged QBs like Tom Brady I think he has enough weapons to get the ball out of his hands quickly enough to mitigate the issue. One glaring problem with the Jets is that they played very sloppy and undisciplined on Monday night, they gave up 125 yds in penalties alone.  The play that encapsulated their sloppiness was when the Jets were deep in their own territory on what could have been their last play (4th and 10) and Sanchez manages to hit Dustin Keller right near the 1st down line, the problem was that he was a yard shy when he went out of bounds.  That is just flat out amateur, knowing the time on the clock and where the first down marker is SHOULD be at the forefront of any decent player’s minds. 

 I think one big reason for this sloppy play is the coaching style of Rex Ryan, who is always running his mouth about how great the Jets are and how they’re going to kick the hell out of everyone they play.  That being the case, how do you expect to motivate players to improve if you already have them believing they’re instopable badasses?  Contrast Ryan’s boasting style to Bill Belichick’s quiet and reserved style of never praising a player very much.  Even if the Patriots destroy a team and play INCREDIBLE football Belichick will briefly go over what was done correctly but he will then go on AT LENGTH about everything they did incorrectly.

 When that’s done the mistakes become smaller and less frequent, a great game by lesser standards becomes a so-so game for the Patriots.  ‘Walk softly and carry a big stick’ comes to mind.  And while I might be tempted to feel the slightest bit of pity for the Jets I then see Mark Sanchez open his mouth and the fleeting beginning of compassion vanishes, when asked about Joe Namath’s criticism of the Jet’s play he said “the sun had to set…there’s nothing wrong with going 15-1”

 This guy is simply assclown/idiot of the 1st order, instead of acknowledging his fuckups he simply falls back on false bravado.  It’s obvious he has no real confidence in himself, people with true confidence don’t feel the need to run their mouths.  Since Belichick now has a LOT more film on Sanchez than he did last year I think he’ll have a lot of good stuff planned for him. 

It’ll be damn entertaining to see the Jets squirm if they start the season 0-2, and since Sanchez doesn’t have any true strength to his character I think he just might crack sooner rather than later.  Before long I predict he will be thought of as a bust. 

– And speaking of the Jest, is it impossible for them not to act like a bunch of classless dickheads?  There were allegation of sexual harassment recently when reporter Ines Sainz visited the Jet’s locker room.  Now keep in mind that she is, by just about any standard, a piece of ass. 


Clinton Portis of the Redskins stated that ‘shouldn’t be in the locker room’, and while I actually agree with him that doesn’t excuse the fact that the Jets players are very obviously not respectful or professional.  Now, I’m not about to cry a river for Ms. Sainz, she’s obviously flaunting her body so it’s not shocking when it brings her attention in a manner that she might not appreciate.  If you’re going to dress provocatively then one should be prepared for attention, isn’t attention the reason they dress like that in the first place?

Back to the Portis issue, I agree that women shouldn’t be in the locker room but I also don’t think ANY reporter should be in the locker room.  Seriously, would you want someone you don’t know sticking a microphone in your face as you’re naked and trying to change?  Keep the reporters outside the locker room, it’s more respectful of the players and you’ll probably see the players have more respect for the reporters.  One final thought, are male reporters allowed in the locker rooms of female athletes?

 – How freaking awesome is the Battlestar Gallactica soundtrack?  Even if you never heard of the show and didn’t know the music was a theme to it you’d still have a diverse and awesome collection of music.  That being said, see the show anyway, it’s the best frakin TV show this decade. 


– The police are NOT your friends!  Take a look at this video, it gets real interesting at  6:12, notice how the police simply attack him.  Since they’re beating him repeatedly with their nightsticks, which could easily kill depending on where it hits the person, I’d like to know what actions of his are a lethal threat to the police or anyone else. 

That’s about as clear a case of assault with a deadly weapon as you can get, I wonder what will come of the ‘state and federal investigations’ involving those officers.  I want to see them prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law but that’s not likely, even though the police have much more power than regular people they’re often not held to the same standards.

September 19, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment